We just celebrated my oldest son’s 8th birthday. There is nothing more amazing than watching a little baby, completely dependent for survival, become more and more of a man. He is a sweet soul. I worry about the world getting to him. I do my best to protect him. But, then again, if he is going to experience the darker side of life, I would like to be there to help him through it.
The hardest thing about parenting is that our children learn as much from what we do as what was say (sometimes, I think, even more). If we are going to raise amazing children we, as parents, have to heal. We would like to believe our dysfunction doesn’t affect our children. That is a lie we tell ourselves. It does.
Our choices as parents are: 1. to continue the cycle 2. to mend our dysfunction. It is a harsh reality, but reality nonetheless. For me there is only one choice and I live with the intention to heal dysfunction. While we are walking that path, here is what I would like for my son to know:
1. The world, or the things in it, will never make you happy.
Way too often children learn that success is wrapped up in the grades they make, how well they follow the rules and what the people think of them. Often we as parents get caught up in this too. I know I have felt like a failure when my son was struggling in school. I probably have even made him feel defective or worthless out of my own fear. My fear that I wasn’t a good mom, that I was failing him, that his struggles were a reflection of my inadequacies. It is really hard to step out of that societal pressure to have and do and be the best. However, it is essential. Outside of that circle, standing in the perfect love in which you were created, is where happiness is found.
2. The best thing you can be is different.
I never felt like I “fit in” when I was growing up. I didn’t think like that people around me. My ideas on how things should be were different. Often I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. I would think “how could it be that I was born here? Everybody seems to think alike but me. I must be a freak.” As I look back on it now, I am so grateful I am different. It has made me successful in business and in life. And, you should know this, just because the world seems to think a certain way doesn’t mean that it is right. Sometimes you are right. If you truly believe something, in the core of your being, never let it go. It may just be that the world needs the change that you believe in.
3. It’s not your job to make other people happy.
I see you as an actor. You are silly and funny. You are very in tune with the people around you. If someone is sad, you realize it and immediately try to cheer them up. It is a beautiful quality. But, I also want you to know that it isn’t your job to make other people happy. I spent much of my life searching for happiness in how well I cared for others. It never worked. The truth is that you can’t make people happy. The way we each perceive the world is our choice. I hope you concentrate on your happiness and become so joyful that you make others smile just by being in the room. You aren’t responsible for their happiness but your happiness is contagious. This is my wish for you.
4. It is not about you.
You internalize so much. These things that happen in the world: divorce, bullying, hate, heartache. They are not about you. We often think that when these things happen, we caused them. Or we believe they are because of something that is wrong with us. Please know this: People’s reaction to you is about them not you. When people hurt, it is about them not you. When I yell too much or stay on your case or make a mistake, it is about me not you. And most of all, the fact that your parents are divorced is about us not you.
5. Never stop playing.
You are a free spirit. You run around in no discernible pattern for no apparent reason. You line up your little action figures and enter some imaginary world of your own creation. You walk around talking to angels in the backyard. Please don’t ever stop. The world will tell you grown-ups should behave as grown-ups and there is no room for play. Don’t believe the hype.
(BONUS)
6. I love you.
Your birthday re-defined love for me. I had no idea I could love anyone the way I love you. You can be yourself. You will never disappoint me. I don’t expect you to be perfect. I don’t ever want you to be ashamed of any part of you who you are. Nothing can separate you from my love.
If you found this article helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After.
Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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