In the course of filing for divorce, both attorneys and judges are always on guard for people who have not yet gained the ability to think rationally, but rather, are acting purely out of emotion. “Off the record” we would say we are looking for the crazy one. While there are very few absolutes in this world and even less in the context of a divorce, there are some red flags. If you find yourself tempted to do any one of these things, I would encourage you to really check your motives because they are almost always an emotional reaction.
1. Never deny contact between your spouse and the children without first talking to several attorneys and hiring representation (unless you have a court order of no contact such as through an injunction or restraining order).
While you may hate your spouse so much that you want to punish her and you may not trust her at all, you must work hard to maintain a relationship between the other parent and child. Even if she is so caught up in emotion that she doesn’t seem to care, it is your job for your children’s sake to make that relationship happen. Your children will appreciate this from you as they get older. Plus, once you have literally done everything possible to normalize the relationship, your kids cannot be resentful of you later in life for “taking Mommy away.” It will, clearly, never be you who thwarted the relationship in any way.
Lastly, if after filing for divorce, the case goes to trial, the Judge will look favorably upon you for your ability to place your children’s best interest above your emotional process. Judges want the children to be entrusted to the parent who is most likely to facilitate a loving and nurturing relationship with the other parent. Your acts of grace in working to maintain a relationship between your spouse and the children will serve you well in life and in the divorce. It is not always easy and sometimes it feels as though you are swallowing a lot of pride to make it happen. It takes great strength to work for a healthy relationship between your spouse and your children when, truly, you are not feeling it. It will, however, be worth it.
2. Never say anything negative about the other parent in front of the children. Also, always watch your body language when you are around the other parent.
Children pick up on these things. It cannot be stressed enough that everything, good or bad, said about the other parent is internalized by the child such that the child will believe that thing about him. As much as you may choke on the words, lift up the other parent for your child. Say nice things about him and pretend like you mean it. The children will then know that the divorce is not their fault, it is okay to love the both parents and things will ultimately be okay.
Know that the “rock” in the children’s lives has always been your marriage. They feel as though they are now going through an earthquake and there is a crack in the foundation of their lives. The more you lift up the other parent for them, the safer the children feel and the quicker they will adjust. Don’t do it because the other parent “deserves” it. Do it because your children deserve it. The Judge will respect your ability to continue to praise the other parent. It will be refreshing for the Judge because they don’t see that type of thing nearly as often as they should.
3. Never record the other party without her permission.
It, truly, just makes you look crazy. Don’t bring out topless pictures your Wife sent you or sex tapes or anything else you think may be “blackmail”. I could tell you horror stories of people who walked around with tape recorders documenting arguments or, worse, who put surveillance in the car or home to record the other parent having sex outside the marriage. Clients then think they have some “trump” card and want to use this “evidence” in court. While there are some rare instances where this might be relevant, those are few and far between. And, if you are so entrenched in the emotions of the case that you are getting surveillance on your spouse, chances are that you are not acting rationally.
4. Never refuse to financially support your children.
I don’t care if your spouse gets her nails done every week or if he just bought a new Harley. Regardless how the other parent spends his money, you have an obligation to support your child. Because the formula for child support incorporates the visitation schedule, if the court gets the idea a parent doesn’t want to pay child support, the Court may think any request for custody or additional timesharing is just to avoid paying child support. This could seriously damage the legal case and invalidate any request for custody. Additionally, if a parent is financially supporting the child throughout the case, it prevents a huge amount of support accumulating that the Judge could order in one big payment at the end of the case.
5. Never send nasty emails, text messages, letters or voicemails to your spouse.
It is normal to get angry at times in the course of a divorce. Much like in a criminal case, anything you say or do can be used against you in court. Please have the ability to remain silent. Write in a journal, go to therapy, hit some golf balls, take up boxing, or go have drinks with a trusted friend but do not vent to the spouse. Maturity is paramount. Disengage and, eventually, when the spouse realizes you are not going to fight, the bad behavior will fizzle. How fun is it, after all, to fight with yourself?
If you found this article about filing for divorce helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After.
Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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