After 10+ years of listening to people describe the breakdown of their marriage that led them to a consultation with me, it strikes me that most of these people would say “No, people do not change”. “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” or “She was ‘crazy’ when I met her, she’s crazy today.” Throughout my lifetime, I’ve wondered how to answer this question myself. It is without question that people repeat patterns in life. It seems these patterns usually follow an untreated addiction. For example, if you ‘yo-yo’ diet your whole life, moving from ‘skinny’ to obese and back again, it is probably because you have an untreated food addiction. Or, if you’ve stepped outside your relationships, it’s probably because you have an untreated sex/love addiction. Once we see people doing these things over and over, it makes us believe people will always be the same. They’ll always do the same things. So, the question remains, do people really change?
I can say with confidence the answer is yes. I have experienced change and, therefore, I know that people can change. There are, however, a few caveats. 1. People only change from the inside out. Most of the time, we feel as if people don’t change because we experience people only “changing” symptoms. They are attempting to exert will-power to muscle away a problem. For example, instead of searching the source of our over-eating, we go on a diet. Instead of searching to source of our binge drinking, we go cold turkey. Instead of understanding the relationship dynamics that led to cheating, we “promise” never to cheat again. All of these are attempting to control symptoms. It is seeking external change from external sources. With this mindset, it is true people do not change.
Change only occurs from the inside out. Over the course of the last few years, I have been blessed to experience change. It is a process. It is a path. Real and lasting change does not happen overnight, it happens over time. It happens in stages. Often, it isn’t until the final stage that we experience a change in the symptom. Therefore, true and lasting change requires great patience. We want instant gratification. We want the symptom gone, for good, right now. Just give me a pill to alleviate my pain or my problem. It doesn’t work. We can chase the quick fix our whole lives and we will never change.
Sometimes I think the greater blessing, is that I have seen people truly change. I have seen people move closer to God. I have seen people move closer to their authentic selves. I have seen the beauty of transformation, the emergence of breath-taking butterflies. I have witnessed the external manifestation of internal change in other people. I have also experienced people change in their relationships with me. They are still hurting, some in active addiction. But, our relationship has healed because my half has changed. It shows me that we, individually, have the power. We don’t need people to change, we just need to change. The best and scariest truth is this: our world is exactly as beautiful and healthy as we are.
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