Too often people assume that because someone else is caught up in an unhealthy cycle, then we have to ride that roller coaster with them. I hear this often from people who complain about their spouse, the other parent, their own parents, children or siblings, etc. It even happens among attorneys. Attorneys complain that they have to be miserable in the practice of law because other attorney’s behave so poorly.
Do you experience this at your job?
Do you blame a co-worker or boss for “making your life miserable”?
I think most of us have been guilty of this at some point. We are all a work in progress as it relates to healthy detachment but here is what I have observed.
It takes two people to perpetuate an unhealthy relationship
I see couples in all stages of the marriage/divorce process who think they are victims to the process. They think they have to continue conflict because the other person behaves a certain way. This is where healthy detachment comes into play. We can step away and refuse to participate. It doesn’t mean we don’t love the person. It doesn’t mean we don’t value the person. It means we value ourselves enough to stop the drama.
For a personal relationship, it could mean taking a break, separating, refusing to discuss certain situations outside of counseling, or ending the relationship. For a former spouse, it could mean only speaking via text or email. It could also mean holding your tongue when you want to lash back at the person. It often means taking the highroad and acknowledging bad behavior and letting it go without reacting to it.
Sometimes, however, it isn’t even the other person’s issue. Sometimes we must recognize that a certain person brings out unhealthy behavior in us that we haven’t healed beyond. In that situation, the other person may have done nothing “wrong” however it is not healthy to have that person in our lives.
Often divorces are so hard because we haven’t learned healthy detachment
We yet have the ability to step out of the cycle and therefore we bring the problems of the marriage into the divorce. But, it isn’t just divorce. We have the same cycles repeating themselves in family, career, friendships, etc. Here is the good news: often simply acknowledging the unhealthy behavior and living with the intention to stop participating brings positive change.
We are not ever perfect in healthy detachment. It is really hard to stop doing those things which we have always done. And it is really hard to learn a new way of interacting with someone. But, we must understand it is healthy to make the effort. It is not cold, unfeeling, uncaring or heartless. We should not feel guilt or shame for stepping away. Eventually, the other person will understand that we will not continue the dance. They’ll either learn a new dance or find another partner. Either way we’ll be in a happy dance, even if it’s raining.
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon
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