It is pretty interesting when people come to me asking my evaluation of whether or not they should be getting divorced. Now, I’m not talking about the “cheaper to keep her” clients. After you’ve been married most of your adult life, you are often so financially intertwined that there is a monetary cost to a divorce. I understand these clients asking me if they should get divorced. It is akin to getting a professional opinion on whether you should dissolve a business. I am surprised by the other types of clients, the ones who are asking a divorce attorney to give them permission to divorce.
You’ve heard of “no pressure sales” in car dealerships. Well, I am a no pressure lawyer. I cannot tell anyone if getting divorced is right for them. I can only give a legal analysis of the case. But, I can tell that these are not reasons to get divorced:
1. I want to get rid of my spouse and never have to deal with him again.
People often come to me requesting a divorce to release the “pressure valve” in the relationship. These are the people who have the messiest divorces. Especially if you have children, you are not going to be able to get rid of your spouse. Ever. You may as well get that out of your head. You’re going to have to find a way to get along, either in marriage or divorce. I know many have the fantasy of never having to “put up” with him again. It just doesn’t work that way. In fact, it is often harder to get along as unmarried co-parents. But, it is necessary. So, if you think you’re going to be able to lock the problems of the marriage in a box, never to be opened again, you are wrong.
2. I am not happy
Happiness has nothing to do with marital status. When people talk about not being happy as a reason for divorce, they are often expecting the marriage to do things it was not designed to do. These people look to outside influences to make them happy. They expect their spouse, their kids, their vacations, their job, etc to fill the void they have in their souls and make them happy. No other person in the world will ever make you happy. Therefore, this is no reason to get divorced. It is a sign the people need to do some serious self-evaluation and self-care. Otherwise, they may go through a divorce but they’ll end up in one failed marriage after another after a lifetime of seeking externally happiness that can only be found within.
3. We fight too much and I am not “in love” with her anymore
I believe in love. This is ironic, I know, coming from a divorce attorney. But, I do. I also know love looks different than Disney would have you believe. Often people want to get divorced because the “fairy tale” kind of love is over. But, that doesn’t mean there isn’t love remaining in the relationship. If you are still fighting, there is love. I have seen people who you would believe hated one another. They fought and fought. I’m talking “War of the Roses” kind of fighting. You know what happened after 2 years and 10s of thousands of dollars in legal fees? They got back together. If you are still fighting, there is a chance you can bring the love back from the anger stage and to a better marriage than before. I know a person is truly ready to be getting divorced when their spouse doesn’t push their buttons any longer. They have healed the wound created by the demise of the marriage and they are absolutely done fighting. There is no emotion remaining. When you get to that place, you can make a rational decision about the future of your family.
If you found this article helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After.
Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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