Trust Exercise
For those of us who have been hurt deeply, it is natural and normal that trust becomes an issue. Gone are the days where we can trust blindly. Gone are the days someone has our trust automatically, until they show us they can’t be trusted.
I once could trust in that way. I looked at women with trust issues as “crazy”, insecure, and silly. I thought they pushed people into cheating and being unfaithful with their lack of trust. I’ll admit that I judged them harshly.
Socrates said:
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
Well, when I made those judgments I was ignorant. I actually thought I knew things about people and the world. The older I get the more I realize that I don’t know. I don’t know what that girl with those issues has been through. I don’t know her path. Now, I find myself walking my own path with trust issues. I can hear someone say, “I am not the kind of man who would do that” and I think “that is exactly what the others said”. It is not as if a man who would lie, cheat or steal will say “yep, I’m the kind of guy who would absolutely do you wrong so you better watch out”. It doesn’t exactly work that way.
Then, how do you build trust when trust doesn’t come naturally anymore?
Admittedly, I don’t get to see examples of this in my practice. I see the people who were unsuccessful in rebuilding trust. However, I have several very close friends who are making it through difficult times in their marriage. While I don’t know the full answer to the question, here is what I have observed:
1. Whether you get divorced (as I did) or stay married, you are going to have to rebuild trust.
I think too often people think they just can’t trust their spouse because of what he did but if they get divorced and move on, it will all be fine. We think we’ll be able to trust the next guy because he is not the one who betrayed us. Unfortunately, that is just not true. Whether it is with your spouse or the next relationship, you will never trust the same again. You will have trust issues after someone hurts you, even if you are with a different person. It is not fair because you didn’t ask for it. But, it just is. That person who could trust blindly and never knew what it felt like to be betrayed is gone forever. Like it or not, you are a different person and you’re going to have to learn a new way to build a relationship.
2. Those trust issues do not mean that you are crazy.
They mean that you are normal. The worst thing you can do is not acknowledge the way you are feeling and try to talk yourself out of it. The things that we feel and don’t discuss or process just fester and grow. When we don’t acknowledge those feelings, we really do start to spiral a bit out of control. When the timing is appropriate, put it out there. Be authentic about where you are and what you are feeling. It might mean you lose the relationship. You might be with someone who simply isn’t emotionally equipped to handle what is going on with you. But, if that is the case, it would never have worked anyway. The building of trust is a process and its foundation is communication. Don’t apologize for where you are in the healing process. Don’t act as if you are inferior or defective because you have scars that need attention. A true partner will be willing to walk with you through the process of healing old hurts and building a solid foundation of communication and trust.
If you found this article helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After.
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