I find it interesting that people ask me, a divorce attorney, if they should get a divorce. It is almost as if they come to me asking permission to end their marriage. Trust me on this one, if you’re asking a divorce attorney if you should end your marriage, you are probably leaning towards moving on.
I have been through this process myself and professionally with hundreds (maybe even over 1,000) of people. Here are my thoughts:
- There are marriages that were born out of mutual dysfunction. These marriages can be saved. However, both people have to be working diligently towards their own healing. Often I see situations where one person is ready to step out of the cycle. However, the other person is not ready to heal and let go of their particular addiction/dysfunction. We cannot choose healing for other people. We can set boundaries. We can encourage them to get help. But, in the same way you can’t exercise for another person, you cannot choose mental, emotional or spiritual health for another person. In these situations, if both parties aren’t individually deeply committed to their own growth, divorce is often the best option.
- There are many, many people who have lived in abusive relationships for so long that they think it is normal. Abuse can range from obvious like physical or sexual abuse to more subtle mental and verbal abuse or serial infidelity. Abuse situations require specific action and an experienced attorney and counselor team to guide a person through the process. In my experience, very few severely abusive marriages evolve into a healthy marriage. They don’t always get divorced right away but, too often it is because they are caught up in the “honeymoon then abuse” cycle.
- Lastly, we have the people who have “fallen out of love”. These people may be in very unhealthy marriages, but generally the health of their marriage is a reflection of their internal, individual health. I believe the ultimate goal of each person in the marriage should be to be their own self-fulfilling, self- rejuvenating source of love. It is not to get love from a marriage or from a partner. When we are each our own sources of love we can then give the marriage and the other person the opportunity to freely live and explore their heart. We can be supportive and loving, kind and patient. (Coincidentally, all of the things the Bible tells us about love). When we are this kind of love, we can no more “fall out of love” than we can fall out of our bodies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do these types of divorces all the time. I don’t make the decision to divorce or stay married for people. I am merely a conduit to make their choice work for the greatest possible good. But, if you’re asking my true opinion, divorce is not the best option for these people. The best option for these people is to learn love. This will require great study and patience and possibly even a separation from their spouse. But, absent that work, these people will be divorced over and over again because it isn’t about the other person, it is about them.
Your question, then, is this: Where do you fall on the spectrum? Once you have answered that question, the path forward becomes a little more clear.
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Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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