I remember hating the answer to this question when I first divorced. I wanted so badly just to be over it. I wanted to just pick up and move on. I wanted to be happy and not wallow in the misery that I knew was bubbling just below the surface from the effects of the divorce. At a support group I asked the question, “How long do I have to feel like this? How long does it take to get over a divorce?” The answer shocked me. “A divorce is like open-heart surgery”, he said. “How long would you expect it would take to run a marathon after open-heart surgery?” I must have looked at him with a blank stare because he went on to say, “The general rule is one year for every four years you were together”. “Oh NO,” I thought. “How could I ever endure this feeling for 3 years?” I really couldn’t imagine.
Well, I have learned that he was right. I just hit my 3 year milestone. I can see signs of health in my life that have really just occurred over the last six months. Finally, I have a rhythm again. Things flow and have a sense of peace and ease that I’ve never known. The other thing I’ve learned: most of the dysfunction and effects of a divorce show itself in your dating life. Sometimes we want to numb ourselves with the attention and affection of another relationship. We think we’re over the divorce and are ready to hit the dating scene.
Too often, we’re wrong. This is one of the major reasons why second marriages have a 60% chance of ending in divorce. We never stopped to do the work on ourselves and we bring all that baggage to the next relationship. We don’t even realize we’re carrying it! I see this very often in my work. I see people who are really hurting from a divorce and they would deny it vehemently. They think that because they can conjure up something that feels like love for a new man or woman that they must be over the divorce. They think they’ve made a better choice, that they have a better partner. They think the divorce was “all the other person’s fault” and with the “right person” everything will be just fine.
The cold hard truth is this: it is going to take time to get over this “open –heart surgery” called a divorce.
No matter what happened, you played a part in it. Until you can own and understand your role in the breakdown of the marriage, you will keep repeating the same patterns. The worst thing you can do it move right into another relationship. The ironic thing is that when you are at a place that life is good, that you are no longer lonely, that you no longer “need” a relationship, you are finally ready to date again. At that point, however, it no longer matters so much. You have space in your life but no holes in your heart. You can be patient because your life is full of love.
If you found this article helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After. Click here to get your copy now.
Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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