The evil you know is better than the evil you don’t know
I often think of this as I hear people talk about a potential divorce. They give 30 minutes of commentary on their marriage, often including really dysfunctional cycles. And, yet they are unsure about divorce. I ask their reasons for staying married. Almost always I get an answer like “I’m not sure if I can do it alone”; “I don’t want to be by myself” or “Can I support myself?” I think sometimes spouses over exaggerate their contributions to the marriage in hopes their spouse will stay in the marriage out of fear.
I remember these same types of thoughts early in my separation. I remember wondering how in the world I would run a business and raise two young boys (5 and 2) all by myself. Many times women don’t believe they can take care of themselves. They haven’t cultivated their spirit of independence. They lack self-esteem and self-confidence. Many stay in dysfunctional marriages out of fear. I understand because I had a similar internal dialogue. I seriously considered staying in the marriage so that I would have help with the children.
Here is what I have learned: not only can I do it as a single parent, often it is easier. Some things are more challenging. Certainly, I have to be very organized and efficient with my time. But, at least I don’t have dead weight. Partners can be helpful but they also can be work. They have their own needs and require attention and devotion to maintain a healthy relationship. In some sense it is easier just me and the boys. I can devote my entire attention to them. They may have less time with me, but the time is quality. They have my undivided attention.
This idea of “dead weight” was never more apparent than my latest weekend excursion. When I was married, my husband and I took our oldest son who was 3 to the river. We attempted to canoe and quickly realized our son was going to have us upended in no time. So, we switched to a kayak. We managed to get up the river but my husband constantly complained that I wasn’t doing it right. He said I didn’t know what I was doing and I was going to tip us over. It was not really a pleasant experience.
This past weekend, 5 years later, I decided I wanted to take the boys kayaking. Now, it was just me with an 8 year old and a 5 year old boy. And maybe there are super moms out there who can always get their children to mind, but I’m not that mom. I figured this was either going to be really fun or a complete disaster. I placed all the valuables in Ziploc bags in preparation for the all too likely spill into the alligator infested water and headed out. I was a little nervous. I wondered if I really could maneuver this vessel by myself. My ex-husband’s voice became my internal dialogue and my confidence was shaken.
Nevertheless, I wanted to do this. So, I picked out our kayak, got a push from the shore and headed out. I learned that I am really good a maneuvering a kayak. As I passed the canoes turned around in circles and headed straight for the shore, my confidence grew. The boys got so excited for the fish they would lean over to one side. Instinctively, I balanced their weight on the other side and managed to keep us dry. We kayaked for 2 hours. I was physically and emotionally strong. I could do this. And, I thought about all those women. Those women who come to me having never supported themselves.
In the grand scheme of things, kayaking is a small thing. But, it was a big deal to me on this day. It made me realize that I can do whatever I want to do. The only thing holding me back is the way I talk to myself. If I let the world drown out my inner voice, I will fail. But if I can drown out the voices of the world, I can do anything. I can’t imagine how those women feel who go to school, learn a skill and become self-sufficient for the first time in their lives. How amazing that must be! No matter what decision you are making, I hope that you never decide things out of fear. I hope your voice is one of encouragement.
If you found this article helpful, you’ll love the advice you’ll find in Divorce with Joy – A Divorce Attorney’s Guide to Happy Ever After.
Divorce with Joy provides information about divorce and legal issues designed to help users cope with their own legal needs. This legal information is not the same as personal legal advice – the application of law to an individual’s specific circumstances. If you want professional assurance regarding your personal situation, please consult a lawyer. If you are a lawyer, please review the authorities personally to determine their application to your case.
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